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30th December 2006 | 01:31 am
mood: determined
music: The Secret Handshake: Coastal Cities

This time around last year was pretty crazy, the 29th was exactly one year since my grandpa died. So, this Saturday we're holding the one year memorial thing that we always do, sooo today was pretty crazy, busy too. Cleaning and stuff. BUT! I digress.

2007 is not far away and looking back on this year, there's honestly a lot of things I've learned about myself.

I don't really know how to start it, but I have an insane urge to write this down so it doesn't just eventually turn into some vague distant memory so I guess the best way is just to list what I can remember and add on to it as I remember more.

I've learned that my perspective thus far has been pretty skewed. The things I do, and why I do them. I do the right things for the wrong reasons and the wrong things for the right reasons. I've realized that I'm over-crediting myself where I am nothing, and under-crediting myself where my actions actually mean something. I'm proud when I shouldn't be and overly self-deprecating when I shouldn't be. I've determined that I am not as good as person as I have previously believed and that am not as bad a person as I have previously believed. I have so much faith for people but I can't believe in myself. I've realized that I am somebody, but I live like I am nobody.

I've realized that I don't know a lot of things but I've also realized that doesn't make me a lesser person. I've learned that the most judgemental person I know is myself. I've realized that I put a lot of effort into mundane things, and not enough effort into things that really matter. I waste time on details and miss the total outlook. I don't listen as well as I should, I interrupt when I shouldn't. I've learned that I am less dependable than I thought and I've learned that I am more dependable than I thought. I've realized that I'm afraid.

I want to be able to just take things the way they are. Take you for who you are. Take me for who I am. I want to let go.

Knowing that, I really want to do something about it. I will believe in you. I will believe in me. I will not assume. I will question what I don't understand, and be open enough for others to do the same. I will not judge. I will not label myself. I will not label others. One mistake does not make me. One mistake does not break me. My actions will mean something. I will only speak when I have something to say. I will only play as hard as I work. I will love more. I will pay more attention to people. I will listen. I will respect. I will keep trying.

Normally, this is the part where I backtrack and feel the need to explain myself and say how I know how determined I sound now, and that a lot of this is probably not going to happen, but I'm not going to do that this time because that's not the point. The point is not how many times I mess up, but how many times I keep trying. The point is that if I do things with a purpose, I should not be apologetic for them.

From now on, I will live like I mean it.

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Comments {1}

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from: anonymous
date: 30th December 2006 10:04 am (UTC)

i started crying. why? i dont know... but i did. you inspire me so much. and you have no clue how you've changed me within the last 4 months. reading it from beginning to end was something i could not prepare myself for... it was moving, motivating, propelling. this may all sound cliche and lame, but im saying this from the bottom of my heart kinda like what you did just now. its strange, but that last paragraph hit home. all my goals, everything that ive been thinking about lately, was laid down in words. its exactly what i needed to hear jumping into a new year. thanks.

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