Log in

No account? Create an account

Say anything else..

« previous entry | next entry »
20th February 2008 | 10:57 pm
mood: weird
music: Winning - Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton

Walking around campus means always hearing bits and pieces of conversations. But arriving early for classes means waiting outside means hearing whole conversations between friends. At least that's what it sounds like before tuning in. After paying a bit more attention, it's really not a conversation at all. One person is often dominating the conversation. Huh, interesting.

But that happens with me too. How many times have I started saying something only to have been stopped short unintentionally by someone else eager to share their own story, their own version? How many times have I been asked a question and after only getting through half of my answer, was I unintentionally cut off for the questioner to say something else? Even if I was interrupted for the other person to indicate we're on the same page, it indicates an end. That's enough, Christine, let's move on.

How many times have I dominated a conversation? Raised my voice to be heard? Jumped from topic to topic? A lot. It seems like a lot of people are so eager to say something that we'll string words together and say them outloud quickly, loudly, sometimes, carelessly. And then we move on. And repeat process. I know I do it, at least.

This was prompted when I spoke with Kim earlier. She told me she was planning to detox and she was going to follow the one Patrick did. I asked her why Patrick did it and she told me he did it to detox and because he had too much "shit" in his system from Sweden. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was an appropriate answer to my question but it doesn't really answer my question at all. He's detoxing to "detox" to get "shit" out of his system. Well, okay. But what shit? How does it actually work? It's like saying something without saying anything at all. Then she told me about how her boyfriend took her to see Cartel for Valentine's before I got a chance to ask her more about Patrick's detox. Maybe I'm asking wrong. Maybe I speak too slow. Maybe I think too slow.

So from that, I linked backwards to when Brianna asked me about my most "traumatic" experience. Cut, endscene. It took me a few days before I could answer and I'm still thinking about it. Still analyzing. Follow that line to having lunch with Radua. When have I ever finished what I wanted to originally say? Chi Bi. When I talk to Daniella, or Addie? Pause, exposition. But the original story never finishes.

Biggest example, my LJ. In my eagerness to output more posts, the err "weight" of the posts have suffered greatly. What am I doing? My journal is menial and substance-less. My life is menial and substance-less.

I don't want to be like that. I don't want to use words as quick fillers for what other things I could say just so I could say the idea first or answer quickly. I don't want to expect people to know what I'm saying.

I'm a processor (process-er?). I process things. And a lot of times it takes me a while to go over things, replay, analyze, rewind, reconsider, repeat.

The Frances fiasco, the Bio letter to myself, the gay breakdown, seeing God as a father, appreciating solitude, this.

Everything's always jumbled in my head. Tons of things that are somehow linked to each other that with enough processing end up giving me glimpses of how life works, how people work, how I work. Everything is in my head and they all mean something but not until I sort it out. I have to sort everything out.

Like the Webwork I was doing today. The calculator gave me the answer but it didn't make any sense and every way I wrote it ended up being marked wrong. In the end I just had to guess combinations of answers to get them right. Everything's all jumbled.

Maybe that's why I get cut off. I'm too longwinded and mixed up. It takes too long for me to process and get to the point and no one is interested in the tedious and roundabout way I got there.

Did you know that all a calculator does is that it adds really really fast? Adding, multiplying, exponentials. Everything. It's just adding super super fast. But why does that matter, as long as it gives me the right answer instantly, right? Who cares what it does to give me the answer. It just needs to give me the answer.

I'm not a calculator. I'm pebbles in a bucket. One, two, three, four. One at a time.

This post is all over the place. But it's all connected in my head. Think Alice Pieszecki's Chart connected. Even the word "process" often used to poke fun at gay relationships and I'm gay and Alice is a character on the L word, which is, big surprise, a show about gay people!

Everything is connected. That's seriously how I see it in my head. The lines connecting everything. It's like a hugeee flowchart. And there's not enough RAM to process it all.

What the heck am I saying? I don't know what's wrong with me.

ALSO! I caught me mid-sentence talking to myself out loud again while walking to class today.
I'm fuckin' nuts.

Link | Leave a comment |

Comments {2}

i want half, don't give me none of that 50% shit

(Blank subject)

from: palabrasverdad
date: 21st February 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)

you need some good old fashioned drama in your life. fuck a married woman.

Reply | Thread


(Blank subject)

from: bambezzled
date: 21st February 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)

hahahaha you are so right. i'm ready for some drama but unfortunately my sexual prowess greatly pales in comparison to yours. =P

Reply | Parent | Thread