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Thinking Out Loud..

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23rd October 2007 | 01:34 am
music: Cobra Starship: Bring It (Snakes on a Plane)


I'm really at odds with this, and I've yet to come up with a suitable way for these two things to coexist peacefully.

I guess the only reason why I'm bringing this up now is because prior to this, I still had, I still have a childish mindset of God, like asking for help before doing things like tests or when irrational fears set in. School is getting trickier and where I would naturally ask for a little peace of mind or guidance or a memory boost [disregarding whether this actually helps or not], I end up being at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore.

The kicker is that I'm still doing the whole faithful Catholic routine. I go to church every Sunday, I say the night/morning prayers, the prayer before meals, I receive communion. But all of it just goes to reinforce this whole disillusionment I've been experiencing. Every time I go through the motions, it just adds to this growing sense of disjointedness that becomes more glaringly obvious to me with each day that passes.

I'm not really sure what to do or what to make of it right now. I've just grown up with God being such a prevalent part of my life that I'm lost. I don't know how else to put it.

On a rare occasion, I get to attend a mass by myself, without my family, many of which times I find mass a very different experience for me. I got to do this a few weeks ago. At this point, I've already started making the habit of letting my mind wander back and forth between this issue of mine here, and I think it was the prayer after communion, but the choir decided to sing a song that was actually very close to my heart and took me back to a retreat I went on where I had felt, for the first time, a deep connection with my spirituality, with God.

And hearing the song, like, it came back to me then, the connection, the emotions I felt. It was intense, I had to try really hard to keep from releasing all that... feeling. It was pulling me.

And it happened again, last week, after my little stressout episode. I heard a song and I felt the pull.

I just..I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to ask. And I'm a little afraid that I just might already know the answer and I just don't want to hear it.

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